I went to other sources to get information on sex

Anonymous, Freshman

Dec 17, 2021

Consent is not saying “no” but saying enthusiastically “YES.”

Dear Dad,
Recently I have learned quite a bit of information on the topics of vulnerability and healthy sex. As a kid, I never really got proper instruction on how to be in a healthy relationship, instead sex became a way to get more intimate. Since sex was a topic never mentioned due to your strict conservative views, I want to share what I have learned. I wish I had known all of this information before ever being in a relationship. Because you and mom were never PDA or even kissed around my sister and I, I found it so hard to show affection to my significant other in public. This created a lack of confidence in past relationships not only in public but also in the bedroom. So, I went to other sources to get information on sex. The last thing I wanted was to seem uneducated or “skilled” at sex.

The sources I went to quickly made me feel very insecure in who I am physically. Yet, in class I learned some tools that made me feel better about myself. One day in class we talked about how it is not just OK to ask questions of your partner while in bed, but healthy. It is alright and frankly, normal, to not know what to do. It is OK to be “vanilla” and not want to be smacked in the face while having intercourse. Did you know that happens?

I learned that the content on the most popular sites, like PornHub, glorify destroying a woman’s dignity, humanity and encourage coercion in sex to do things that fulfill a fantasy for men. I learned that most porn sites are for the man’s pleasure rather than the girls. Additionally, and most importantly, I learned that the woman should enjoy sex! Unfortunately, we often get the message we should be fulfilled because the guy got pleasure. I should respect myself enough to ask for things done a way that is good for me, instead of my partner telling me what he wants me to do that I am uncomfortable doing. I also learned that consent is not saying “no” but saying enthusiastically “YES.” This means that if I do not desire to do something my partner wants me to do and they try to convince or persuade me, it is not consensual!

Our class discussions made me realize that I have a voice to use not just during sexual acts but also in emotional acts. In the future, I am going to display love physically with my partner while holding standards for myself. I want my kids to know their worth as a human is not determined by pleasing others but pleasing themselves first. Although I still struggle with the thought of standing my ground, I am going to remember these tools in the future, so I do not regret sexual and nonsexual situations.
Love, Jane Doe