I Thought It Was Okay For Boys To Touch Me Without Giving Consent

Dear mom,
I want to tell you something really important to me. I recently took a class on Sexual Citizenship and learned things I wish I knew before I was hurt. Knowing the information earlier would have prevented me from being wrongly treated by boys. I was young when I was first touched by a boy and I knew nothing at all about sex. I thought that it was okay for boys to touch me without giving consent and I saw absolutely nothing wrong with it. I was so focused on wanting the boy to be happy and thinking it was normal to be just used and treated as simply a body for their pleasure. I let myself be treated terribly and got hurt. It could have been prevented. In my class, I learned about consent and sex too but my biggest aha moment was about consent. I learned my partners should ask me for consent before anything happens. Honestly, I needed to know this a very long time ago. Way before I started doing stuff with boys. Since I was never really asked for or taught about consent, I was the victim of sexual assault. I know it could have been prevented if I knew more.

You don't know this, but when I first lost my virginity my partner just assumed I wasn't a virgin and was very harsh. Before we “hooked up” he was very nice to me and over snapchat acted like we could have a relationship. From the first time we actually met and he treated me inappropriately, immediately asking me to go into a room alone with him. I now know this should have been a red flag. In the room he choked me, picked me up and threw me to the end of the bed. He didn't respect my or care at all about me. He knew I was bleeding and shaking and kept going because all he cared about was himself. I was scared and hurt but I didn't know what was “healthy”. I was so focused on wanting him to like me and pleasing him. At the time, I didn’t realize it was wrong. In my head, I reasoned that all boys treat girls like this sexually.

I remember after, I felt broken and used. I did not deserve to be treated like I'm nothing, but that experience scared me. I believed I was just a piece of meat, so I continued to let myself be used by boys. I thought I needed their validation to prove I was worthy. But I just kept getting hurt over and over again.

From my class, I now believe he must have learned about how to treat girls from porn and thought it was “normal”. If only I had known then what I know now I could've recognized the red flags, or known the qualities of a healthy sexual encounter and relationships. Maybe I could have prevented this trauma. I wish I would have spoken up and told him to stop. If only I had a greater understanding of consent and sexual assault this could have been prevented I needed someone to tell me when I was young how boys should treat me. How I am more than just a body. I needed to know that there was a trusted adult that would not judge me but give me a safe place to comprehend what messages I was getting from culture. I needed a safe place to understand what happened to me was assault. What happened to me was wrong.