I needed to be subservient to my partner

Anonymous, Sophomore

Dec 17, 2021

The sex we see in porn just is like social media: filtered heavily and very extreme to get views

Dear parents,
I’m taking a communication class right now, and I have some questions for you. Why didn’t you talk to me about porn? Why didn’t we have a conversation about sex? Why did it take me to be in college taking a class about healthy sexual communication to learn that drunk sex isn’t legal, it can never be consensual? Why didn’t you ever say anything in high school? I’m not mad or disappointed. In all honesty, I'm actually confused; was it easier for you not to mention anything? Learning this information was disturbing to me due to the fact I'm in COLLEGE.

I had to learn about sex through porn, talking with friends about fanfiction and through media. I didn’t learn what sex should be like until I left for college and could actually start looking up sex without having to hide what I was doing. But porn is a problem, I wish someone had told me, back in high school, that the portrayal of sex in porn wasn’t sustainable or realistic. The porn I was watching to understand sex made me feel like I needed to be subservient to my partner or I’m a bitch because I won’t let him/her do something that makes me uncomfortable. I wish I understood before now, that the sex we see in porn just is like social media: filtered heavily and very extreme to get views. I wish I could have known that porn would impact my self-esteem; that sex you see in porn and movies isn't realistic to real-life situations. Here is a message from our culture, as a virgin, I am self-conscious because I have in my head I have to be a certain way when it comes to sex; that I’ll come off as prudish rather than inexperienced.

In class we discussed how it's not only porn that portrays females as an object, but media as a whole. Our music is becoming more and more about how “the bitch is crazy” and that men have to be these fantastic partners in bed. I really want to have this conversation with you, I do, but I know as well as you that it will never happen. This conversation is too uncomfortable for you. However, I'm happy I found this class and for the for the knowledge I gained. I feel like I have a better grasp on who I want to be and how I want others to treat me in relationships. We may never have this conversation and you will never know it was me who wrote this. Although you taught me some important things, you failed me in this regard.
Love, Your Daughter