I Believed I Had To Please A Guy Sexually To Get Him To Like Me!

Dear me,
Growing up, the porn I saw depicted girls pleasuring the guys via oral or anal sex. I am sure some people enjoy doing those things, but I don’t and despite these videos making it seem like these acts are essential to having “successful” sex or pleasing the guy. I believed for too long that I had to please a guy sexually to get him to like me. I have had too many experiences with men where I am uncomfortable and found myself doing things out of a perceived obligation to them.
One date I felt no chemistry with the guy at all. At the end, there was this awkward silence, a moment of expectation. I wanted to drop him off, but believed that if I told him I was uncomfortable and drove him home it would’ve been rude or a waste of his time and money spent on dinner, I gave him oral sex. I wish I knew I am not obligated to do anything with anybody, no matter how awkward the situation.
From the time I was in high school, I needed to know that it is important to put myself first. I needed to know how to approach awkward expectant sexual situations with confidence. I needed to understand consent. I needed to have a place to talk to my peers or teacher or parents to understand why our culture expects certain things of girls. I needed to know I deserve love, pleasure, and comfort. I look back now and think of how those guys didn’t deserve me at all and I am filled with regret. I hate that I went through those experiences. I needed more education and information about healthy relationships and these situations when I was in high school.