He said, "Do Doggie"

Dear Mom,
I learned about the effect of porn in a class module on Sexual Citizenship, I wish I had known this when I was younger. Understanding this now, I will have a much healthier sex life.

I always thought “Boys will use love to have sex and girls will use sex to have love.” I know this isn’t always true, but it just makes so much sense.

Because I never had sex education, I barely knew anything when I lost my virginity. I remember my first time he said, “do doggy”. I didn't know what “doggy” was. It all clicked in my head after the first class, he didn't even want to see who he was having sex with, he just wanted to lose his virginity. He had obviously seen porn before and gotten all of his ideas about it from there, it wasn’t about me I was just the means to the end.

That is extremely unhealthy and why the sex made me feel used. I thought it would be special, like I saw in movies, but no. However, I continued dating him, trying to use sex to get love, and he was using love to get sex. It took me a long time to actually feel that I was better than that.

In sex ed, I remember being “taught” how to put on a condom. I remember being taught about all of the different STD’s one can contract. Mostly I remember sitting with my friends in the back of class chatting and giggling. Our teacher would bring up how abstinence is the best option, I don't think anyone took that seriously. The class was a joke.

Here is what we need to be learning: what is healthy during sex and what is not? That it is normal to feel awkward sometimes and it is not healthy to feel like you are just an object. It's ok to ask to stop in the middle of it, and it's not healthy to feel like you just gotta “stick it out” for your partner.

All I knew when I had sex for the first few times was that I somehow had to know what to do, but I couldn’t be too good at it, or I would be perceived as easy. I didn't know that you should be able to communicate freely with your partner about what you're comfortable doing and what you want to try. I didn’t know how to share my boundaries. I felt as though I needed to do what he wanted, and to be good at it. Since I knew nothing, all I felt was that I wasn't good enough. I was also unsure what to think about not being a virgin anymore. I didn't
particularly feel bad that I had sex, so I didn’t understand why I wasn’t happy either.

Learning and growing over the years helped me understand why my first sexual experiences made me feel worthless, but it wasn’t until this class, learning about the effects of porn, that it all clicked. The truth is social media, friends, and the boys I had been with get the majority of their information about what sex is from porn. And I now know how misleading that information is.

If conversations about sex, emotions and relationships were normalized, I could have learned more. Even though you have been through it all we never discussed it. Instead the only “tip” you gave me was to never tell a boy that you are on birth control. Since it's the only advice you have given, I followed it. And I'm not pregnant so you must be happy.

But now I know that isn't the only thing that matters. It matters that sometimes I am left feeling worthless after sex. It matters that I think I can make a boy love me with sex. It matters when the boy leaves before I even have my pants back on. It matters when you are balling your eyes out the next morning wondering why you had sex. It matters when you have a pregnancy scare and there is no one there to tell you “it will be okay”. It matters when you wake up in pain after sex and wonder if the sex was really consensual. It matters when you hear stories of other sexual assaults and wonder if what happened to you was assault or not. This is the information that really matters.

If I had learned this earlier maybe I wouldn't have tried to convince myself after I had sex that it was good. Maybe I wouldn't have let myself feel used time and time again.

This unit in class really helped me understand why some boys have sex the way they do. If I had learned this earlier, with this understanding I think I could have had an amazing sex life. Now I will.

Since I have grown and had experiences, and now have the understanding of why the culture of teenage sex is the way that it is, sex won’t make me feel used. I now know sex is something that connects two people and shouldn’t leave one person feeling empty. And, if I get into a situation where I begin feeling uncomfortable, I am much better equipped to communicate what I'm feeling. Before I never wanted to speak up, mostly because I lacked education.

Understanding how porn can affect the way men view sex really helped
me understand what was upsetting me with some of the sexual experiences I had.
Sex in college is hard, because many people want the “college experience” but what is the “college experience”? It seems like you have a one-night stand that you regret in the morning and then start worrying about STDs.

I'm not sure what I want from the boys here at school, but now I know what a healthy relationship is and I know what I don't want. I know I want to feel appreciated and connected. It's hard to find, but worth the wait.