Everything we did made me uncomfortable.

Dear Dylan,

I wish I picked up on the red flags sooner. Even before we started dating, you touched me in ways and places that I didn’t want to be touched. But I was so desperate to get over the girl that broke my heart that I decided to look past it. I was 15 years old. I didn’t know anything about sexual relationships. I only knew what everyone told me I needed to do. I did everything to please you, to make sure you were happy. But everything we did made me uncomfortable. Every message, every picture, every conversation. I had panic attacks after I did each of those things. You wouldn’t let me stop when we were doing things sexually that hurt and scared me and made me uncomfortable. You didn’t care about what I was experiencing. In my head, I kept thinking, “This is how it’s supposed to be. I’m not supposed to enjoy this. Gagging is normal. But I said yes.” Dylan, you saw me sobbing, gagging, and ultimately begging you to stop. But you wouldn’t let me. You wanted me to keep going.

It never registered in my head that you sexually assaulted me. I just kept thinking that every emotion I felt was normal since that was my first time doing anything. I was so invested in our relationship, I was so convinced that what we had was loving. You broke up with me not even three weeks after you assaulted me. That night, I tried to overdose. I was devastated. After everything I did for you, everything you made me do, you broke up with me without even telling me why. A month after we broke up, I finally realized that you sexually assaulted me. Dylan, I took back my consent, and you didn’t respect that! I developed PTSD and would throw up every single time that I had a sexual thought. Every time I had a flashback to that night, I would vomit. Trying to get you out. Eventually, I just stopped eating. I was so exhausted from throwing up every single day, but instead of food, I threw up stomach acid.

I was so terrified to tell anyone what really happened. I was so scared my own mother wouldn’t believe me or would be furious at me for doing anything sexual. At first, she thought I was just regretful until she saw how damaged I was. Do you know how traumatizing that was? I didn’t press charges because I thought that since I consented in the beginning and since we didn’t have actual sex, that my case wasn’t valid. And, honestly, all I wanted then, and all I want now is to never think about seeing you again!

After almost 4 years, I still have this raging anger against you. After all this time, I still throw up at the sight of you. I wish I had known then what a healthy relationship looked like. I never focused on the red flags or confided in anyone about my hesitation of anything sexual. I wasn’t ready to have that experience, and the only thing I knew about sex was what all of my friends told me.

I wish I knew that I could have said no and that I had the right to change my mind at ANYTIME. I wish I would’ve recognized that our relationship wasn’t healthy. You kept me away from my friends, you made me feel stupid when I asked for help with my homework, and you even assaulted me before we started dating. You never showed love or compassion when I was clearly distraught. I know that I can’t forget what happened, but at least now I am in a happy and healthy relationship. Even though I hate you, what you put me through has made me a stronger person.